THE DATING GAME

[Well-known facts]

Eve had an Apple when Eden was begun:
It was an Apple Mackintosh, a very early one.
It was not quite user-friendly, and Eve didn't fancy risks,
So her ports were kept in order and she formatted her discs.
Adam had a Modem, and he surfed the Internet:
Scanning through the softwear to select what he could get.
He got on line with Eve and thought: "These form letters are female!"
So he sent a friendly Fax which read: "Come up and see my E-Mail!"

The Serpent, who was cunning, introduced a nasty virus
Into Adam's mainframe, which turned Adam on “Desirous“.
He hacked Eve's P.C. Apple till her bytes had all been bitten,
And he formatted a disc on which his mailmerge could be written.
Eve escaped from Adam through the paths of Paradise:
He said: "Come, search, select with me, for editing is nice!"
He longed to scan her index, for her database was cute,
And her spreadsheets were inviting, but her screen was resolute.

The Serpent, who was dossing underneath the Knowledge Tree,
Sneered: "By number-crunching, I'll turn one and one to three!"
He clicked his mouse on "File Save": the file he saved was "Sin",
And he said: "They can't delete it when the Devil clicks it in!"
Adam wrote a programme, extra sound-bytes to obtain,
But his hard disc got corrupted when he started raising Cain.
Eve got a glitch upon her major input cable,
And when she scrolled the disc right through, the glitch she found was Abel.

The Lord was very angry when he saw them interface:
He sent Adam and his Modem crashing into Outer Space!
Then he flung Eve, with her Apple, just as far as he could boot her,
And human ills, for evermore, are blamed on the Computer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LOVE'S GIFTS

[A girl likes to be shown ... ]

I told my love to bring to me
A rose, all blooms transcending.
Instead, my love brought unto me
Some socks, in need of mending.

"Bring unto me," I told my love,
"A casket, filled with treasure!"
Instead, he brought his Tax Return
For typing, at my leisure.

"Bring me a gift," I told my love,
"To show your heart's adoring!"
He didn't come. He stayed at home,
And sawed up planks, for flooring.

"If there's no gift," I told my love,
"I'll think you love Another!"
My love sent to me, through the post
A poem, by his Mother.

At that, I said: "Begone, my love! -
"Of love, you have no notion!"
This time, the poor twit got it right.
He brought his heart's devotion.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A LOVER AND HIS LASS

[An old story told anew]

It was a lover and his lass,
Hey nonny no!
By a fruit machine he made his pass,
Hey nonny no!
He said: "Hi there - you're lookin' cool!"
She said: "Chill off, you spotted fool!"
Then off she went, to play some pool.
Hey nonny no!

He bought for her a rum and coke,
Hey nonny no!
When he said: "Yeah?" she answered: "Oke!"
Hey nonny no!
He'd a ring in his ear, she'd a stud in her nose,
They both wore fringes on their leather clothes,
And big black boots with turned-up toes.
Hey nonny no!

He said: "I'll share when I win the Lottery!"
Hey nonny no!
She said: "Hey, man! - you're a jerk - you gotta be!"
Hey nonny no!
He showed her all his best tattoos;
She showed him hers - he said: "That's news!"
Then she booted up the juke-box with the latest blues.
Hey nonny no!

But when she saw his Yamaha,
Hey nonny no!
She said: "Ton-up is where we are!"
Hey nonny no!
They didn't win the Lottery, they haven't got a mill-i-on,
Each has got a record, but who's the coolest vill-i-an?
And she's in the saddle, while he rides on the pill-i-on.
Hey nonny nonny no!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FOREVER DANCING

[I wonder if he remembers too?]

He danced with me.
I was a Fresher, scared, stiff and shy,
And I thought he’d just smile and pass me by,
But he danced with me.
After that, nothing was ever the same,
Though I’ve long since forgotten his face - and his name.
And I’m old and grey now,
Near the end of my day now,
But deep in the heart of me, forever a part of me,
He dances with me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LOVE IS LOST

[That's telling him ... ]

You're walking hand-in-hand with her.
You're doting, daft and drooling.
Can't you see, you stupid git
That you're the one she's fooling?
When she dumps you, as you dumped me
Don't ask me if I'm sorry.
My biggest hope, you mindless dope,
Is - you're hit by a lorry.

You borrow money now from her:
You used to borrow mine.
I settled for a can of coke -
She makes you buy her wine.
The bar where you and I would go -
You go there now with her.
I'll find your drinks and spit in them,
You vile, faithless cur.

You can't ride back from that race track
On your loud, stinking Honda.
I've put sugar in your tank -
Will walking make her fonder?
She crashed past at the disco
So fat, the strobe lights rippled:
She's got no beat, two great flat feet -
I hope she leaves you crippled.

And do you play with her the games
I helped you learn with me?
Well, when you go to bed with her
I'll bet she'll charge a fee.
If we should ever come to grips,
I'll de-stud your right earlobe,
And superglue your hateful zips,
You dire, unfaithful microbe.

She's dull and slow, she's got B.O.,
And have you smelled her cooking?
Perhaps I'm not be the greatest, but
I'm clean, and better looking.
So I will sit no more at home
And think of her and you,
And I'll be damned if I'll admit
I love you - though I do.

I know you won't come back to me,
And all I've got is dreaming.
So I will turn my life about,
Or else I'll sit here, screaming.
I'll hate you both - I swear I will,
You and your poxy lover,
Then put my nose-stud in again,
Go out, and find another!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WEDDING HYMN

[Written for a family wedding.
Tune: Slane]

Lord, you are here at this wedding today:
Your presence is blessing and light on our way.
We pray you, look kindly on husband and wife,
And guard, guide and keep them in this, their new life.

Dear Lord, remember, you came as a guest
At Cana one day to a wedding most blessed.
To human dismay you brought comfort divine,
And sorrowful water turned into glad wine.

We seek no miracle, Lord, for these two:
Just love for each other and trust, Lord, in you.
A steadfast commitment no stress can destroy:
Your comfort in sorrow, your laughter in joy.

Dear Lord, we ask you, keep close in your care
This husband and wife in whose wedding we share.
Be there in their lives, Lord, and give them, we pray,
The faith, hope and gladness of this joyful day.
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