EBENEZER, THE STUDIOUS SQUIRREL

[Completely frivolous]

Ebenezer the Squirrel lived all by himself
In a house where he kept lots of books on a shelf.
He was learned and wise, but without common sense,
And casual and careless with pounds and with pence.
Ebenezer had studied at Cambridge, and there
He sat in his own Professorial Chair,
But during vacations he moved out of Town
To the country, to study the verb and the noun.
A blameless existence, a studious life,
And he never remembered to look for a wife.

One day a young Squirrel, a maiden named Maud
Espied Ebenezer when walking abroad.
She at once lost her heart to his studious looks
And determined to share both his life and his books.
Maud brushed up her whiskers and frisked up her tail,
And she thought: "I WILL get him - I just cannot fail!"
Poor Ebenezer - he hadn't a chance,
And he followed Maid Maud's matrimonial dance!
But 'ere the bells rang and the marriage was done,
A neighbouring Polecat saw ways to have fun ...

This Polecat, notorious, mean and called Percy
Stalked poor Ebenezer and Maud without mercy.
He told them to pay all the money they had,
Or he'd tell - nasty stories - to Maiden Maud's Dad!
Ebenezer the Squirrel, for once in his life
Decided to fight - for his fair future wife.
He thought of this plan and he thought of that way,
And he studied the problem by night and by day.
Poor Maud, she grew pale and her tail it hung low -
Tho' she loved Ebenezer, he did seem so slow!

At last came the day, speaking soft on the phone,
Ebenezer asked Maud to come - swift, and alone!
At the house, when he told her his fiendish plan,
She said: "That's the best of a studious man!"
Then she put on her tippet and settled her bonnet,
And took up the note, Percy Polecat's name on it.
Percy received her, his face in a leer,
And said: "Tea for two? I'm delighted, my dear!"
And he walked by her side thinking what he would do,
When he had her alone and at teatime for two.

Ebenezer was watching, flung open the door,
Pulled Percy inside, and there, spread on the floor,
Were all of the books taken down from the shelf.
Ebenezer said: "Go, Maud, quick! - hurry yourself!"
Then he slammed the door shut and he locked up the lock,
And Percy the Polecat then heard, with a shock,
These words from the Squirrel which shortened his breath:
"Right now, my fine fellow: I'll read you to death!"
Ebenezer then read without pause or delay
From all of his books for the rest of the day.

He read right through Shakespeare and read right through Proust,
Then to give the cruel torture a horrible boost
He read through his lexicons, all through his grammars,
Pausing neither for rest nor for pause nor for stammers.
The Polecat grew pale, whinging, whining for mercy,
But the Squirrel determined to finish off Percy.
He read every page, with a fiendish joy
Of the book "War and Peace", by Leo Tolstoi.
In fact, he read on till the Polecat dropped dead
From the sheer weight of words which poured over his head.

Then Maud, she returned and embraced Ebenezer,
Who was studiously happy so greatly to please her.
The Squirrels were wed, once the Polecat was buried,
And their lives from thenceforward were lightsome and merry.
Ebenezer and Maud, in their house 'neath the tree
Had beautiful babies, one, two and then three.
While Maud minded the money, the pounds and the pence,
Ebenezer the learned then learned - common sense!
And they laughed about Percy, who'd been read to death,
Through their long happy lives to their last peaceful breath.
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